Thursday, December 30, 2010

chasing the dream and remembering it

Courtland Cadi, ©2010 gary
2010 is nearly over and with nothing more than cliches to come up with, the time just flew by. With that, it was a remarkable year for me and I continue to place one foot in front of the next to move with a forward momentum. I'm not sure how else to do it. I continue my personal push to absorb life along with all of it's riches. At least those that are within my reach. And for those that aren't, I work at getting myself closer.

One year ago, I had sincere concern about my addictive nature and my health. Always being one in control, it was extremely difficult to confess to myself that my alcohol addiction had taken control of my long personally controlled life. Suddenly, for the first time in my life, it wasn't me that was in control. I was scared and doubted that I'd be able to recover. It was time for "me" to make a change in "my" life.

I needed to find a focus. I needed to find me. I needed to believe. I needed to be alive. And, I needed to be sober.

One day at a time was a huge challenge and there were days when I wasn't sure I'd make it drink-free. Three hundred and sixty five days later, I'm one year sober ...and still one day at a time. I'll always be, but I'm up for that challenge. With my decision of a year ago, I'm happier and more at peace with myself than I could ever be. I knew that I had to make a change. I had way too many things yet to do in my life, more goals to attempt, more people to meet, more love to share, more art to live, and another day to celebrate, followed by another, then another, and another.

A number of years ago, I watched as my father crossed the same path in his life. With a strong dedication and belief, he too beat his addictions. And although he died at a young age, his life was made so much fuller because of his taking control of those things that controlled him.

I can do nothing more than to be true to myself.  With that, I'm another step closer to wherever it is that I'm headed. I don't have a road map or a even a schedule... I'm just following my life path and today I'm challenged by it, I revel in it, and more importantly... today, I can see it.

This isn't meant to be "my" personal soapbox or preaching. It just isn't. That's simply not me. What this is, is an honest recount of where I've been and a true celebration of love, thank you's, and joys for today.

Life moves forward. Embrace it, love it, and allow it capture you in it's moment.
Peace, health, and joy.


  1. Gary, this is an inspiring essay for those of us who also have addictive personalities.
    Quitting an addiction takes such courage, for you have no idea what life will be like without your vice. Giving up an addiction is giving up who you believe yourself to be for a new person that you don't yet know. Without the vice to blur the lines, all our faults are glaringly obvious to us.
    As you know, I have 2 and 1/2 years of sobriety now, and you are so right about life being fuller. Kudos to you, to me, and all the other addictive people out there who want to try living in reality, even though it's much tougher sometimes than hiding. Happy New Year, my friend.

  2. Patty,
    Thanks for your kind words. I have to admit... I was really torn about posting my one year landmark, but for me it was another step of coming clean. Not just to me, but to the world.